“In my opinion” …Is what a lot of people start to say when they want to pour their advise onto you. There are many people who do understand and then there are people who think they understand. When you are trying for a baby, there becomes a minefield of people that want to give you the advise; they think it is going to give you that Dalai Lama-esk nugget that will leave you feeling forever enlightened like you’ve been on a retreat for 6 months.
In reality, you listen to the advise they give you, which to you sounds completely obvious and sit and nod along:
“Just relax and it will happen”
“You need to not let it take over you”
“Just try to put it at the back of your mind”
“It will happen eventually”
These are some of my favourites, most of these are from people who have had a baby or who are currently pregnant or both. Generally those women who didn’t need to try for long. Of course you want to talk over your worries, but the last thing you want is someone to tell you they fell pregnant straight away, but they knew someone who was infertile or it took this other person 2 years to conceive, but don’t worry… it’ll happen eventually. Yeah, thanks for that. I feel much better now.
I love to talk things through with people as it helps be compartmentalise things, however now; despite their best intentions, I don’t feel that it’s helping me a great deal. It just gets me more frustrated, although I do have one friend who just gets it, she went through exactly the same a year ago. It’s just enough for her to say that she understands, that’s all I really need. Someone who gets it.
I understand now why couples don’t announce that they are trying to get pregnant, it’s a lot to take in anyway without the world asking you how things are going. Just today a colleague of mine was telling me that they are giving up smoking as they are planning a baby in the near future. I wanted to say to her to not get her hopes up too much, she was probably expecting me to get giddy and excited; instead I just replied with yes we are in a similar situation. I didn’t have the giddy energy in me, and I didn’t tell her that I got a negative test just the day before.
In a way I feel like our big news is being taken away from us a little bit; so many of our friends have announced pregnancies in the last six months I’ve lost count. When we first started to try I thought we would be the next to make an announcement, but for the moment, while so many people are celebrating we are new-less.
I’ve had awful fits of jealousy recently, I’m angry with myself for feeling this way; especially with those closer to me. Its so much easier to be jealous of someone you don’t know. Unless of course you discover they tried for a long time, then in a wave of familiarity you have found a kindred spirit. They get it too. The pressure, the heartache, the negative tests with control lines that mock you.
They understand that the two week wait is the worst and longest two weeks of your life.
They understand the pressure to perform.
They understand the disappointment of negative test.
They understand the sinking feeling when AF arrives.
They understand that you can’t just relax.
You do the imaginary fist bump in solidarity, as you now know that you are not the only couple in the world going through the same thing.
So you develop a strategy for blocking outside noise, it is possible to listen to advise without taking it to heart, and let it wave over you like wisps of sand over rocks. The smile feels less forced and you learn to deal with the jealousy. You find that in many cases that so many others have gone through the same as you. You create your own way to stay upbeat as you know that when the fertile week comes the negativity will affect you, so you block it out, ignore the outside noise so you can carry on thinking positive.